Things overheard at God's Tech Support.
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"There is an upgrade path from the Old to the New
Testament, but it's difficult and
unsupported."
"We were only able to get the first seven
Commandments on the stone tablets. The last three will
be in Commandments '98."
"You can't get your bush to burn? Have you
tried sacrifice?"
"The 'virgin birth' is not a bug,
it's a documented feature."
"You'll need more RAM to run all four
horseman concurrently."
"The first semaphore is being dropped, the second
is returning an olive branch."
"I.S. says it will rain for exactly 20
days."
"Kai's Revelations Tools produce some really
cool effects but they're difficult to understand
and use."
"We killed the process, but three days later it
came back."
"The walls of Jericho won't fall without a
100% fully compatible Soundblaster Card."
"The voice of God is a standardized protocol, but
each prophet implements it differently."
"My wife looked at K&R and now she's a
pillar of salt."
"Each loaf and fish comes with an AOL
disk!"
"Yes, the documentation is poorly organized,
contradictory and written by committee. It's
still better than UNIX man pages."
"Adam & Eve would still be in the garden if
they'd eaten the Windows."
"Who told you that? Lucifer? Of COURSE he'd
say heaven has heating problems."
"Ah, no sir. No, I'm afraid not. We stopped
honoring indulgences hundreds of years ago."
"No. I'm afraid not. That's NOT what
the Rapture is all about. In fact, that's still
classified as a sin".
"No, no, no. That's NOT what was meant by
'Love thy neighbor as thyself'."
"The Apocrypha? I'm sorry sir. We don't
support third party additions."
"Yes we do offer a lifetime guarantee. As long as
you registered yourself with us via baptism,
you're covered. Yes, even then. Yes, we know
it's quite a good deal. Why thank you, we like to
think it's the best deal around."
"Did you read the release notes for Godly
service? No? Well, it clearly states that
'Celibate' was a typo. It should have been
'Celebrate'... Sir? Sir?"
"Yes, there's an SDK and we have done some
limited partnerships in the past. In fact, some
developers had access to the Miracles SDK for awhile.
However, we ran into some problems with legal, so it
was pulled."
"I'm sorry. There currently no way to extend
the beta period for an individual human."
"The office of God has no official comment on the
use or existence of other 'companies', past,
present or future."
"We simply provide a tool called
'life'. It's neither good nor bad. What
you do with it is up to you. However, you may want to
get in touch with our marketing department so we can
use you as an endorsement or case study if things go
particularly well."
"Satan called in again, pretending to be a
customer."
"Man, I hate taking those walking on water calls,
especially when they've already fallen in a few
times."
"I'm sorry sir, but we do not support life
on Mars."
"You killed your son to prove your faith?
Didn't you see the addendum to the
readme.txt?"
"We have seen problems with receiving the Holy
Spirit, so we need to re-initialize your COM
port."
"I'm very sure that if it's got serial
number 666, it's not our product."
"You're feeling lustful for your
neighbor's wife? We have a technote for
that."
"Worshipping a false idol certainly is in
violation of the support agreement."
"Ma'am, yelling at me isn't going to
make Him fix the problem any sooner."